Top 6: Sidekicks

The hero gets the girl, kills the baddie, and saves the day. So what? The sidekick gets the best lines. Every hero or heroine worth his or her salt has a best friend who stands next to them through thick and thin and does his/her best to make them look good. Flatly put, these are the top 6 best friends anyone could have in a life or death situation.


VI - SILENT BOB
Jay is annoying, ignorant, sexist, morally reprehensible, and never shuts up. That's why it's such a boon to find a guy who is the exact opposite of that and still wants to hang out. Spanning six films, a cartoon series, a brace of comic books, and merchandise everywhere, Jay and Silent Bob have had more than their fair share of adventures. They've fought demons, run from security guards, sabotaged convenience stores, and of course sold copious amounts of marijuana. While Jay spends the entire story swearing like a sailor and making lewd comments, Silent Bob remains quiet and supportive until he pipes up to drop some philosophy on one of the many hapless heroes. Played by writer/director Kevin Smith, Silent Bob was originally supposed to be completely mute, but last minute had to deliver a line meant for Jay that Jason Mewes couldn't get right. Thus began a spate of him speaking the moral of the story. Only in a Kevin Smith movie would a guy named SILENT Bob still talk quite a bit.


V - KATO
Lets be honest: Robin is lame. Batman can do just as well, if not better, without Robin around. But the Green Hornet would get his masquerading ass kicked if not for the prowess of his faithful butler/chauffeur/life saver Kato. He didn't say a whole heap, but Kato was a master of Kung Fu and would regularly show up in the nick of time to save GH from some nefarious criminal plot. And you know why he was so cool? He was played by Bruce friggin' Lee! Before he Entered the Dragon, Bruce Lee played second fiddle to Van Williams (who?) as the eponymous hero, but really Kato was the reason people watched the program. In fact, in Lee's native Hong Kong, the show was marketed as "The Kato Show." What I'm saying is, if Kato has your back, you could basically talk shit to Chuck Norris.


IV - ED
When taking on slow-moving zombies, it might not seem smart to bring along a loud, fat guy who's always making things difficult for you, but one wonders how far Shaun would have gotten without Ed by his side. He knows more than anyone about the zed word, fire arms, car driving, hog lumps, and molotov cocktails. That type of knowledge is indispensable. One of the many themes that run through the film is that of friendship and loyalty, and Ed is at all times characterized by the lapdog-like way he hangs at Shaun's side, as evidenced by blindly joining the Mexican standoff in the pub toward the end of the film. Conversely, Shaun is always defending Ed to the others who call him "dead weight" or "a fucking idiot." I can think of no sadder moment in any movie than Ed dying only to be replaced by odd glee when we find out that even in undeath, Ed remains Shaun's favorite Player 2.


III - DR. JOHN WATSON
Every crime-solving, cocaine-addicted, violin-playing, half-insane genius needs a level-headed live-in physician. I think it was a law in Victorian England. As good intellectual sidekicks should do, Dr. Watson question Holmes and allowed him to come up with his best deductions, the ordinary man against the brilliant, emotionally-detached analytical machine. Watson was a smart and capable man in his own right, but it was his work assisting Holmes that brought about the best in both men. Without him, the phrase "Elementary, my dear Watson," would just be "Elementary, my dear," which is kind of condescending.


II - CHEWBACCA
Falling into the same category as Kato, Chewbacca acted as the insurance policy for Han Solo's smart-ass mouth. Designed by George Lucas to act as a sentient dog, Chewie was the muscle Han needed to take on whoever needed on-taking in their smuggling activity. It didn't hurt that he could rip people's arms out of their socket and fix anything mechanical in the galaxy. It's also very convenient that Chewie can understand humans and Han can understand Wookie while never learning how to speak the other's language. Chewie was willing to be tortured, sold into slavery, and face possibly being eaten by a sinkhole with teeth to save his buddy's life, which is about as loyal as loyal can be, you know. Walking carpet or not, Chewbacca is the best co-pilot a scruffy looking nerf herder could hope to find.


I - SANCHO PANZA
Going all the way back to the beginning for this one. Don Quixote's squire is considered by many to be the first official sidekick in literary history. Nothing more than a poor neighbor of the wacky knight, Sancho rode with Quixote during his most famous adventures, like fighting windmills, astride his noble donkey. Portrayed as quite dimwitted, Sancho represented the Spanish everyman who would comment on the state of the country and Europe in general while off on his master's imagined quests. When Don Quixote is finally disenchanted and realizes his quest was meaningless, falling into a deep despair, Sancho is the one to try to revive his sense of wonder, saying he would gladly become a pastoral shepherd again, thus becoming "Quixotized" himself. Knowing absolutely nothing but still doing what's right by his friend and master and influencing sidekicks the world over puts Sancho Panza at the top of this list.

Next week's Top 6 will surely have something to do with WonderCon which I am going to in San Francisco this weekend. Hope to see you there. What sidekicks did I omit? Tell me in the comments below.

You're welcome.
-Kanderson